Trophies for Unmedicated Birth

Have you ever overheard a conversation between a pregnant woman and another woman, and that woman says something like, “Get all the drugs! You don’t get a trophy for having an unmedicated birth!” I’m guessing you have, and I want to talk about this little phrase that is thrown around when a woman is approaching her birthing time. An old co-worker of mine said this exact thing to me as I walked out of my last shift before I went on maternity leave with my first baby. That co-worker had no idea I was planning to birth at home, and I did not have the gusto to even open that can of worms as I waited for the elevator doors to open. So, I just smiled and politely said, “Yeah, we will just see how it goes.” In this blog post, I want to discuss my take on this as a woman who has had a cesarean birth, a medicated vaginal birth after cesarean birth, and an unmedicated, undisturbed home birth. I’ll give my two cents on why I feel one does “get a trophy.”

People win trophies when they are competing against someone else in a competition. Birth is not a competition between women. Nobody who chooses to have an unmedicated birth chooses that out of a need to “beat” another woman. To be honest, if that’s how it makes you feel when you hear someone say they had an unmedicated birth, please realize what they chose has nothing to do with you. This decision is deeply rooted in a plethora of factors & personal desire. For women who choose this path, their only “competition” is their internal thought environment.

In general, it seems that a lot of women are making choices about how they’ll birth based on multiple factors outside of themselves and their own true intuition. Women may hear & interpret other women’s birth experiences, and use them to form their own desires or aversions. In our culture, it's common for a pregnant woman to hear multiple horror stories throughout her pregnancy from other women who had negative or traumatizing births. Then she uses that info to guide herself as she navigates her pregnancy and birth choices. These stories instill fear & doubt, which is usually crammed down and internalized, but is softly driving the ship through their entire pregnancy and birth.

What is interesting about how our culture navigates birth (following the run-of-the-mill obstetric model of care) is that we hear all kinds of scary, traumatic, disempowering stories…but then we are signing up to be pushed through the same assembly line of care and expecting a better outcome. Generally, in other areas of our lives, if we hear something terrible or traumatic came from choosing X, then we usually would not choose X. We would choose Y. 

Why are women copying and pasting other women's pregnancy & birth approaches, knowing that the experience was described (BY THOSE MOTHERS) as traumatic, disempowering, or scary?

I believe the first reason women do this is that they aren't aware of their options. Pregnant and birthing women are usually only given a small fraction of options to choose from, and these options are usually discussed in a manner that persuades the mother to go the route her provider would like her to go. Birth is not discussed as an event that the mother is actually supposed to be in charge of. Oh no. Usually Mama is just at the mercy of her care provider who will be calling the shots and making the decisions... because apparently our culture believes that women need medical degrees to make choices about their pregnancies and births. Gals, you are smart women who are capable of researching, discerning, and then making a choice from your gut. No degree required.

The topic of birth is usually wrapped in phrases like "My doctor didn't let me go past 40 weeks" or "I had to have a cesarean because X." These are powerless statements. There are ALWAYS other options, but those options are not always presented; that's why I am such an advocate for educating yourself prenatally.

The second reason I believe birthing women are choosing the same path as other women in their lives is that they're so scared of birth. We are so deeply ingrained with fear, and we have very limited knowledge about unmedicated, physiologic birth. We have nobody to learn from, because a very small number of women are having births outside the "run-of-the-mill" medical system. It's rare to talk to another mother who has had an unmedicated birth. Our moms probably didn’t, and if your grandma did, she may not be around anymore (bless her soul- grandmas for the win).

We need to take some time to clear all we have been spoon-fed from others. We need to explore the array of other options that are on the table for us. We have to educate ourselves and make choices that actually align with us. Women are smart, strong, and they are ALWAYS doing what they believe is best for their family. My goal is not to shame women. It’s to open a door for you to explore your options. If you still feel in your gut that a scheduled C-section is for you, then great! At least you are making a truly informed and intuitive decision. That is my goal here. 

So, if you feel triggered when someone says, “I had an unmedicated birth”, remember it is not about them beating you. It’s about someone who set a goal for themselves and achieved a goal that was deeply important & valuable to them. The irony in this is that birth (at its core) is a mundane, normal, and simple process that God designed for humans (& all mammals) to bring forth their offspring. Sounds like I’m underplaying the amazing, spiritual experience that it is…because it DEFINITELY is a spiritual experience…but bare bones, taking a step back and taking a wide-lens view…it is literally so everyday, so normal. It’s a shame that women have to do so much mental prep, deal with so much negativity and doubt, to even wrap their head around the fact that they were built to birth. I would even venture to say that it’s wild that it’s even a “goal” to have a natural birth. I mean, do cows go through pregnancy and early labor thinking, “Oh my, I really hope I can birth this calf that I conceived and grew over the last few months. I’m not sure if it’ll work out. I’m not sure if this whole natural birth process is safe for my baby and me. Someone call the vet.” 

As the famous Ina May Gaskins said, “Humans are the only species that doubt their ability to birth their babies.” Unfortunately, birth has turned into a drama fest packed with fear, doubt, and disconnection from who we are and what we are BUILT to do.  

To the women who have had an unmedicated and/or undisturbed birth…hold your trophy high in your heart. Thank God for this insane gift & ability He created within us as females. Nobody can take away the pride and joy you feel when you relive your birth experience. The trophy isn’t because you did a truly mundane thing like birth a baby…that happens on the daily.

You get a trophy because you won the internal battleground of your mind. Good for you. Bravo.

Humble women hold this close and share their experience only out of a desire to help other women realize there is SO much more to birth. It can be beautiful. It's a perfect opportunity to truly let the Holy-Spirit guide you and to finally reconnect with your physical body. The reason I’ve created the resources I’ve created and the reason I am a doula is that my heart explodes with compassion, love, & some heartache for women who are experiencing less. You deserve more. 

Moments after the birth of our third baby at home.

I don’t think I’m better because I have (finally) had my desired unmedicated, homebirth experience. I personally had two other birth experiences, as I stated before- both heavily medicalized within the hospital. It was my goal to have an unmedicated birth at home, and there’s nothing wrong with a little internal pride and joy when you accomplish a deeply personal goal. In no other area of life are we shamed when we celebrate reaching a meaningful goal, unless we are obnoxious or demeaning to others about it. 

It’s my goal to help women know that it’s not arrogant, unsafe, or a waste of time to choose a different path. I’m not here to tell women what to choose either, but I will continue to share the knowledge I have gained along with my own experiences so you know your options. If you are interested in working with me as your birth mentor or your in-person doula, you can check out my offerings here. 

With love,

Elaina